‘About the Real Stages of Grief’ is one of the most life-affirming books I’ve read in a long time and totally unexpected in a book about grief.
D. G. Kaye reaches into the heart of grief as she tracks its various stages, but instead of the many rather clinical books available, she writes from the perspective of her own deep, relentless grief. It is an incredible personal yet universal exploration of sorrow and the direct and intimate nature of the book is enhanced as the author directly addresses the reader.
‘Grief is simply love with no place left to go, so we learn to carry it with us.’
As the world closed down owing to the global pandemic, the author’s husband became increasingly ill with cancer and she fought for help from the medical establishment in her home in Canada — to no avail.
The anger she felt at the lack of medical provision for everyone else apart from Covid victims is overwhelming and only slowly abating, if at all.
Grief, we learn, is not something one ever comes through, it becomes ‘our constant companion’. The power, warmth and love between Debby and her husband shine throughout the book and defines it; truly a beacon to life and love.
‘Keeping the spirits of our loved ones alive is the gift we continue to give them.’
I was shocked at how many friends drop away after one loses a partner, as if death is contagious! While suffering such deep grief, this extra sudden loss is heartbreaking. Yet, so many do step up to help which is heartwarming.
Perhaps surprisingly, grief begins even before the actual death of a loved one. This is in the form of anticipatory grief and is only the beginning of the darkness and heartache.
With courage, fortitude and insight Debby negotiated and is negotiating the loss of her husband and her book captures the stark moments including the first year of almost hibernation and the small steps into the world again.
‘We learn to carry our broken hearts in a smaller suitcase.’
Throughout, the author stresses the importance of self-care — and one can imagine this is something that would fall to the wayside. As her own health suffered she starts her own programme to reclaim her health, both physically and mentally.
‘When we are in the depths of grief, it’s so easy to sabotage our own health unknowingly.’
One section of the book had me seething. The author warns of the scammers preying on people who have suffered grief, who are living in its shadow, who are often feeling extremely lonely and vulnerable. That others try to and do take advantage of them is unforgivable and despicable. She offers advice on how to avoid and deal with these people and situations.
Triggers are another aspect of grief which Debby writes about. She comes upon them at the most unexpected times and of course, during significant dates and occasions as well. Inevitably, this leads to a reawakening of the pain, loneliness and sense of isolation.
Within the book, the author’s advice gives hope through the coping mechanisms that helped her. These include the busyness of her new life, through new friends and old friendships deepened. Just being one of the girls is something she values so much, to be with people ‘who love to laugh and have compassionate hearts’. Above all else, she implores others to ‘just be present’ to those in grief and that ‘an ear and a hug are what we really crave.’
The author’s innate wisdom will stay with me. Reading her words has been like having a long conversation with a close companion, sharing thoughts, experiences, emotions.
I can only thank D. G. Kaye for taking the time and effort to write what must have been an extremely emotional book. Where death and grief is hidden in our society, this book will be indispensable to so many suffering loss or to those wanting to understand it more. None of us are immune to grief.
‘Grief does not change you. It reveals you.’ John Green
*All quotations are copyright D.G.Kaye unless otherwise notated.
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
Available: Amazon UK Amazon US
About the author
D.G. Kaye is a Canadian nonfiction/ memoir writer who writes about life, relationships, matters of the heart and women’s issues, and the author of eight published memoirs. She writes to inspire others by sharing her stories about events she’s encountered, and the lessons that came along with them.
D.G. Kaye loves to laugh and self-medicate with a daily dose of humour. She is an empath and fashionista, and shopper extraordinaire. When not writing intimate memoirs, you’ll find D.G. Kaye writing with humour in some of her other works and blog posts.
Please do check out her superb blog at D.G.Kaye Writer . As she writes, it is ‘an eclectic mix of randomness, where you’ll find anything from writing tips to tales from the past, an occasional rant about injustice, spiritual awareness, relationship talk, travel tips, book reviews, author interviews, and sometimes dabbles in political poetry. It’s almost impossible for me to dwindle it down to just one niche, because it never is. I’m an eclectic memoirist and conversationalist who writes to empower by sharing slices of life.’
Annika Perry 
What a thorough and fabulous review, Annika. You picked some touching and insightful quotes to share, and they give a valuable glimpse of what to expect. Debby did a wonderful job with this book, covering well-documented feelings and experiences, but also exploring topics that aren’t as well known. I particularly appreciated her advice to people who are supporting a griever, as well as how she shared her own experience. That gave it an important sense of authenticity. Congrats to Debby on the amazing review! She must be over the roof with joy.
Thank you so much, Diana and your comment means a lot to me. I found myself saving many quotations from the book and it was tough to decide which ones to share here. Her words, I agree, give a great feel of the book. The section on how to support a someone in grief is one I read a few times – I’ve often felt inadequate however nothing compared to some of the comments and advice given to Debby by insensitive people.
I’ve just read your superb review of Debby’s book and as a grief counsellor you give a profound and informed perspective. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have worked with children experiencing loss. To think of all the young people you helped – bless. ❤️
Thanks, Annika. It was meaningful work, being in that heart space all day. Kids are healthy grievers if given active and compassionate supports. I loved it.
Such an excellent review, Annika, with just the right quotes to ‘show’ what this book is all about, and how Debby reveals the pain and vulnerability and strength needed to live with such grief. I sent Debby’s book to a friend who is in her second year of mourning the death of her husband. I hope Debby’s book helps her. I agree with you – such courage for Debby to write this and share with all of us.
Pam, what a thoughtful gift for your friend in her time of grief – I am sure there will be nuggets that will reach her heart and speak especially to her.
I had a plethora of quotations I wanted to share with the review but managed to cut them down to these, which I felt gave an essence of Debby’s writing and wisdom. How true about her strength – formidable at times – yet writing with such openness about her vulnerability and soul-destroying loss.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment, Pam. Xx. ❤️
Oh my goodness, that sounds heart-wrenching and so frustrating what she went through. This is so poignant: ‘Grief is simply love with no place left to go, so we learn to carry it with us.’
I’m glad she had writing to help her express herself and process her grief. Writing is a gift, not only for herself but for those she graces with her words. Gosh…
Ilsa, your comment reaches into my heart and wow, the insight of ‘Writing is a gift, not only for herself but for those she graces with her words’ has me tearing up. You are so right and it has been a richness to learn from her in this book, an honour to read her story. The fortitude and courage are awe-inspiring, their shared love and inspiration to us all. Many thanks for your beautiful comment. Xx ❤️
And yours as well, Annika. 🙂
Very thoughtful, Annika. I felt that both Kaye’s advice and your coverage of it were well done.
Curt, thank you so much and your words mean a lot to me. It must have been an incredibly difficult book to write but her thoughts and advice will touch many lives.
The power of writing.
A lovely review of this book, Annika. I had a very bad experience with my father during Covid too. I can relate to the no help for anyone except Covid victims. It was very unfair.
Thank you so much, Robbie. It was a book that touched me deeply and I found myself in awe of the courage it must have taken to write it. Oh no, I am so sorry Covid impacted your father – it felt crazy how everything else was pushed to the wayside without any real thought or consideration at the time.. Desperately, heartbreakingly, unfair and decisions that affected so so many.
I think it was unfair too. There should have been a few hospitals set aside for emergencies outside of Covid. A lot of people died from untreated diseases like cancer.
Annika, this review really captures the heart of Debby’s book. That line you quoted – “Grief is simply love with no place left to go, so we learn to carry it with us” Just wow❤️ . That stopped me cold. Sounds like an important book, and your review does it justice.
Ritish, thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I had so many moments of just stopping and absorbing the words a I read the book – noting many quotations down. It felt right to use some here, to let her words speak as part of the review. I very much appreciate that you felt my review did the book justice and means a lot to me. 🙏
great review with the Annika flair
And on a side note, I just spoke with someone yesterday who had a recent loss – very sad, and I found myself using a little takeaway from the book – about the individual process and way we carry grief – and then the convo moved on – but it is a testimony to how books can have a rippling effect
Yvette, thank you so much and in the midst of such a serious topic you have me smiling – flair, eh?
How wonderful that your reading of Debby’s booked helped you talk to your friend in their grief, to understand them and also offer them advice on the individuality of sorrow. A deeply touching moment and yes, those ripples will continue to spread out into the world. Xx ❤️
😊 well I must admit that long before I read Debbie’s book – I have explored this topic well. Not only because I taught psychology intro classes for a while (and covered grief and theories like Attachment Theory, Dual Process Model, Continuing Bonds Theory, Resilience Model, Kubler-Ross Model (not designed for bereavement),
And so it was not even a talk (smile -0 just to clarify) – it was just fresh in my mind because I had recently read Deb’s book and so the content was fresh and “readily available cognitively” to flow in a warm way with someone who had a miscarriage. And I also have many books on Grief, or had, because we got rid of our 95% of our library with tangible books – but I had CS Lewis’s A Grief Observed, Heaven By Randy Alcorn, The Grieving Brain by O’Connor – anyhow, enough from me –
xxx
Yvette, no wonder you have a much wide knowledgeable on the topic and it must be fascinating to understand grief, and many matters of psychology, to this degree. I’ve heard a lot about C S Lewis’s book and will read this some time. Oh no, how did that feel to get rid of 95% of your physical books? Over the years I’ve given quite a lot to charity but still so many I’m at the moment not prepared to see go.
☺️ Hi Annika, to teach about grief, esp the theories, does not always equate to processing it personally – and you know there are so many layers to teaching vs practice – etc. – and so that was why I liked Deb’s book – great personal insights, lived experience, and some substance with knowledge and background stuff. – And I hope you do get to read some of CS Lewis’s books. I have not touched his books since the 90s and do admit to falling asleep – haha = but then – I also got sleepy from Steinbeck’s Travels with Charley around that time and maybe it was where I was at. Because we really do bring different modes – in different seasons – to the books we read. And an author can annoy me (or tire me out) during one season and then later on I can soak it up. ahhhh =
***
and the books. It feels really good. It was done over a five year period 0 maybe seven years – I just started donating some (which often meant I would take a box to donate – and while donating, a few of those books would come right back home with me – ha). But finding the right place to donate helped – knowing they would be resold and not tossed helped – but it took time.
current status with home library and physical books? I have a few bins of children’s books that are dear to my heart from raising kids – and a few are likely collectible. But they could go to the right person (like a teacher or emerging writer) when the time is right. I have 125_ Louis L’Amour paperback copies – used – in a box waiting to be read. I also have a box or two of my books, India author books I ordered (and I believe I have a copy of the storyteller speaks in there) – and then I might have one bin of classic books, les mis – etc – those are tucked away in an attic. In my office, I have a six block bookshelf with under 50 books on it. That’s it! under 50 books after having so many. And not to ramble – but when we moved in 2002, one of the moving guys asked if i was a librarian because there were so many books. Most in my collection were bargains or deals. For example, Barnes and Noble used to have these amazing deals (might still) in the entrance way – book kits for $5.99, books for $2 or $3 – then I discovered which thrift stores had fresh options.
***
– anyhow, I can REALLY relate with how you said you have “many I’m at the moment not prepared to see go.”
and my take is that – if you have the space – no need to rush them out –
Yes I completely agree with you Annika. You are always welcome.
A lovely, heartfelt review!
Merril, thank you so much! 🙏
You’re very welcome!
Debby sounds like an extraordinary woman and to have penned such an emotional book that obviously tugs at the heart must have been cathartic for her but also pretty overwhelming. “Grief is simply love with no place left to go, so we learn to carry it with us.’” Oh, how true. I thought of my mum when I read this line.
Thanks for sharing her story and review here Annika. These types of books inevitably help others going through similar life grieving scenarios. Much love sent. ❤️
Miriam, thank you so much for your thoughtful and heartfelt comment. I too wondered throughout how overwhelming it must be to write the book but hopefully cathartic to a certain degree. The book was infused with wisdom and I underlined swathes of it and much stays with me. So far I’ve been lucky not to suffer such deep grief but I feel I need to start gathering the tools as well as better understand the heartache of others in sorrow. My heart goes out to you over the loss of your mother and no wonder that is a grief that is always with you. Sending much love xx ❤️
Thanks for the lovely review Annika.
Kamal, thank you so much for reading and your comment. Not an easy topic for a book but an important one and maybe society shouldn’t be so averse to talking openly about grief.
That is a beautiful and thoughtful review, Annika. It’s very substantive and specific. I also thought Debby’s book was terrific and made me think about the insensitive and uneducated ways that people react to someone else’s grief.
Thank you so much, Pete and I very much appreciate your comment. It must have taken incredible courage for Debby to write the book and I think it will help many trying to slowly step into their new life with grief at their side but still honouring life itself. I totally agree about how shockingly insensitive people are and the book brought this out. The gall to label a widow’s grief, how she should be feeling, is unbelievable and at times reprehensible. I recently read your in-depth and insightful review of this book on Sally’s blog – beautifully written and it captures the essence of the book perfectly.
Congratulations to Debby on your insightful and heartfelt review. Sharing for people who need to find it.
Absolutely, Liz. Sharing books is always a joy but ones like this can provide that much needed help and guidance in the darkest of times – hoping it finds its way into the hands of readers who need it the most.
A beautifully written review of a well deserving memoir.
Thank you so much, Carol and your comment means a lot to me. It is just under ten years ago since I reviewed your beautiful ‘Mourning has Broken’ and it has stayed with me and touched me deeply too.
Oh, thank you so much, Annika for your kind and generous words. They are deeply appreciated. xx
The poignancy of this book hits hard as it describes personal loss and grief that sits in the heart like a glacier. There is no doubt that Deb has touched upon all the aspects of grief. Thanks for sharing your profound review, Annika.
Balroop, I was thinking of you as I read the book, of your own deep grief and your description here of grief ‘that sits in the heart like a glacier’ is intense. Having read the book for an understanding of grief I can only hope that people experiencing loss will find the book a starting point to understand the agony and trying to forge a new beginning. Throughout Debby explains that the grief will always be part of her life and not something to get through. I think it’s important people understand that. Sending love & hugs xx ❤️
Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts,
Annika. Yes, the glacier of grief can never thaw and the heart keeps bleeding slowly, nobody can ever plug that hole. Just One Goodbye, my poetry book in the memory of my husband did give me some solace and strength to move on this lonely journey of life.
Balroop, bless. I know you wrote about your grief online but hadn’t realised you have published a book of poetry. The blurb is powerful and I’m shocked to see that you had to feel shame for your grief, that should never be. May the slight solace of writing continue to grow and I hope poetry can help a little. I’m deeply sad that this is such a lonely journey of life for you and that ‘Grief still chases me like a cheetah’. You are truly in my thoughts. ❤️
Thank you for sharing your kind words, Annika.🙏
Oh Annika, what a most in-depth and beautiful review for my book. I had tears just reading it. You took it all in and you get it! I am so very humbled at your review. Yes, it was a difficult book to write and relive, but I do hope some will find it helpful. Thank you my Lovely for this wonderful surprise. 💜 xx
Bless, Debby, I don’t want to make you cry! ❤️ Your book is beautiful and an honour to read and review. So much will stay with me and I’ve underlined swathes of it. Being such a personal story I was nervous about writing a review at first, to do justice to the book, to capture its spirit but then I put my concerns to the side and just wrote from my heart. Your book touched me deeply and will bring light and clarity for so many suffering grief and for those wanting to understand it better. Sending you much love xx ❤️❤️
What a meaningful review of Debby’s book. Thanks.
Darlene, thank you so much and I greatly appreciate your comment.
This sounds like a unique book in terms of dealing with grief. I think people need practical tools for dealing with loss. They so much need a hand to hold, and someone to listen to their story. Every broken heart has a love story to tell. I think when people can share their feelings, healing begins. Thank you for sharing this book with us!!!
Linda, thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. How true about how important it is that people listen. The lack of this and the extra pain caused by insincere condolences, thoughtfulness words, even if well-intentioned, is one aspect of the book that stayed with me (as well as having experienced this myself). The great love between Debby and her husband truly shines out – a gift in itself but making the agony of loss even worse, I’m sure. Yes, I do hope, sharing one’s feelings is the beginning of healing yet Debby feels that grief becomes part of the new life. However, each small step into the world brings light and new hope.
Dear Annika,
you have given us a strong, sensitive and extraordinary review. Debbie deserves that after the wonderful book she has written.
Grief is difficult to describe and in writing this it make us all feel this and for many bring memories to light.
the book is powerful and sensitive and so is your review. I am going to read this
without a doub.
Bless
Miriam
Miriam, thank you so much! More than ever with any review, I wanted to capture the essence of Debby’s book and to do it justice. It must have taken so much courage to write this book and thankfully she did as it will help so many also struggling with grief, be a guiding light how to live with the loss and yet slowly find a way forward in a very different life. The insensitivity of so many was surprising and shocking, the scammers preying on people at their lowest is truly despicable. Thankfully the author gives sage advice. Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Miriam. Xx
They say that the greater the love, the greater the pain, and I’m inclined to believe that’s true, but no-one is immune, Annika. I can think of a couple of blogging friends who could benefit from this book, and it sounds like something I would read, for greater understanding. I shall go and investigate her blog. Thanks for sharing xx
Jo, I totally agree – with the richness of a great love, the agony of loss must almost be unbearable. Coupled with the anger here of feeling that something could have been done but wasn’t the grief is overwhelming. Having known Debby for a long time here on WP, I felt for her loss and followed her as she wrote about her grief; so this was definitely a book I wanted to read. I hadn’t expected such deep understanding and insight – one of my most underlined books in a long time. I think you’ll enjoy her blog, fun travelogues (her books on this topics are terrific and had me laughing out loud) as well as book reviews and so much more!
Sounds like a very powerful book. Your description and analysis of it are excellent.
Thank you very much, Neil and your words mean a lot to me. Not a typical book to review and I wanted to do it justice.
This sounds like a very interesting and touching book Annika. I never realised there were so many stages grief.
Mike
Mike, it is a very touching and heartfelt book. Although I vaguely knew the stages of grief, the author goes into depth of her personal experience giving the reader such deep insight and understanding of them. The advice is so important too.
I hope to never need this book, but I know I will, someday, and am thankful I’ll know where to find it.
The wisdom and heartfelt personal angle to the book will be a welcome one for so many suffering loss and trying to navigate the world anew as well as, like me, just wanting to understand the pain of so many in this situation.
Thanks for the review, Annika.
Lynette, thank you for reading. Not my usual type of book but one that touched me deeply.
Sounds like a beautifully written book. Thank you Annika for the lovely review. I’ll add it to my TBR.
Smitha, absolutely, it is beautifully written, full of personal insight and also the raw pain and agony of loss and anger. There were so many nuggets of wisdom this became one of my underlined books in a long time.
I’m sure Debby would be happy to hear☺️