‘About the Real Stages of Grief’ is one of the most life-affirming books I’ve read in a long time and totally unexpected in a book about grief.
D. G. Kaye reaches into the heart of grief as she tracks its various stages, but instead of the many rather clinical books available, she writes from the perspective of her own deep, relentless grief. It is an incredible personal yet universal exploration of sorrow and the direct and intimate nature of the book is enhanced as the author directly addresses the reader.
‘Grief is simply love with no place left to go, so we learn to carry it with us.’
As the world closed down owing to the global pandemic, the author’s husband became increasingly ill with cancer and she fought for help from the medical establishment in her home in Canada — to no avail.
The anger she felt at the lack of medical provision for everyone else apart from Covid victims is overwhelming and only slowly abating, if at all.
Grief, we learn, is not something one ever comes through, it becomes ‘our constant companion’. The power, warmth and love between Debby and her husband shine throughout the book and defines it; truly a beacon to life and love.
‘Keeping the spirits of our loved ones alive is the gift we continue to give them.’
I was shocked at how many friends drop away after one loses a partner, as if death is contagious! While suffering such deep grief, this extra sudden loss is heartbreaking. Yet, so many do step up to help which is heartwarming.
Perhaps surprisingly, grief begins even before the actual death of a loved one. This is in the form of anticipatory grief and is only the beginning of the darkness and heartache.
With courage, fortitude and insight Debby negotiated and is negotiating the loss of her husband and her book captures the stark moments including the first year of almost hibernation and the small steps into the world again.
‘We learn to carry our broken hearts in a smaller suitcase.’
Throughout, the author stresses the importance of self-care — and one can imagine this is something that would fall to the wayside. As her own health suffered she starts her own programme to reclaim her health, both physically and mentally.
‘When we are in the depths of grief, it’s so easy to sabotage our own health unknowingly.’
One section of the book had me seething. The author warns of the scammers preying on people who have suffered grief, who are living in its shadow, who are often feeling extremely lonely and vulnerable. That others try to and do take advantage of them is unforgivable and despicable. She offers advice on how to avoid and deal with these people and situations.
Triggers are another aspect of grief which Debby writes about. She comes upon them at the most unexpected times and of course, during significant dates and occasions as well. Inevitably, this leads to a reawakening of the pain, loneliness and sense of isolation.
Within the book, the author’s advice gives hope through the coping mechanisms that helped her. These include the busyness of her new life, through new friends and old friendships deepened. Just being one of the girls is something she values so much, to be with people ‘who love to laugh and have compassionate hearts’. Above all else, she implores others to ‘just be present’ to those in grief and that ‘an ear and a hug are what we really crave.’
The author’s innate wisdom will stay with me. Reading her words has been like having a long conversation with a close companion, sharing thoughts, experiences, emotions.
I can only thank D. G. Kaye for taking the time and effort to write what must have been an extremely emotional book. Where death and grief is hidden in our society, this book will be indispensable to so many suffering loss or to those wanting to understand it more. None of us are immune to grief.
‘Grief does not change you. It reveals you.’ John Green
*All quotations are copyright D.G.Kaye unless otherwise notated.
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
Available: Amazon UK Amazon US
About the author
D.G. Kaye is a Canadian nonfiction/ memoir writer who writes about life, relationships, matters of the heart and women’s issues, and the author of eight published memoirs. She writes to inspire others by sharing her stories about events she’s encountered, and the lessons that came along with them.
D.G. Kaye loves to laugh and self-medicate with a daily dose of humour. She is an empath and fashionista, and shopper extraordinaire. When not writing intimate memoirs, you’ll find D.G. Kaye writing with humour in some of her other works and blog posts.
Please do check out her superb blog at D.G.Kaye Writer . As she writes, it is ‘an eclectic mix of randomness, where you’ll find anything from writing tips to tales from the past, an occasional rant about injustice, spiritual awareness, relationship talk, travel tips, book reviews, author interviews, and sometimes dabbles in political poetry. It’s almost impossible for me to dwindle it down to just one niche, because it never is. I’m an eclectic memoirist and conversationalist who writes to empower by sharing slices of life.’
The second part of the book opens with the ‘unfathomable’. That after five years of fighting lymphoma her sister’s battle is soon over. As the family and the two sisters gather for Diana’s final days in hospital I cried. The helplessness, despair is portrayed with Carol’s usual deep sincere honesty. 
From ‘Mourning Has Broken’ by Carol Balawyder
Annika Perry 